Blow your privacy and a pouch of M&M's
by Pipolyte
Summary: Being aromantic is a hard thing to deal with, mostly because of erasure, amatonormativity and no visibility. Damn, it's like the entire world hate the idea of people being happy without a relationship. But it's something Peter has accepted long ago. Between keeping the superhero gig, managing healthy friendships and publicly coming out, it's not something he's happy with, though.


To explain a few words:  
\- Aromantism is a romantic orientation that means you don't feel romantic attraction. An allosexual aromantic feels sexual attraction, but not romantic attraction (and for that, are often seen as 'sluts' with commitment issues). An asexual aromantic doesn't feel either romantic or sexual attraction (and for that, are often seen as robots lacking human emotions).  
\- Alloromantic people are those feeling romantic attraction, as opposed to aromantic people.  
\- Amatonormativity is making romantic attraction and love in relationships the norm, meaning adults out of relationships are missing something, and can't do most of what couples can.

I'm not going to explain the rest, you'd have to look it up if you don't know about it yet. Sorry, but it's a story, not Aromantism 101. However, try to remember that aromantic people can be as different as straight or bi people are. Peter isn't supposed to be an embodiment of aromantism, only representation of what (some) aromantic people can be.

I also deliberately didn't mention Aunt May and been vague about the years following Gwen's death: it's your choice what you want to make out of it. I'd like to say this is more or less based on Earth-616, but let's face it, it's more like bits and bouts from here and there. My thanks to Kay for beta-reading this mess.

Warnings for slurs, homophobia, arophobia, and implicit/explicit sexual content.

I would also like to apologize for the Avenger who didn't even make cameo: sorry, Bruce, really.

* * *

.

 **BLOW YOUR PRIVACY AND A POUCH OF M &M'S**

.

They're eating on a roof, at peace after a busy patrol, when it comes out of his mouth. Spidey's listening to the babble out of Deadpool's lips, snorting every time the merc says something utterly ridiculous.

Until Deadpool stops brutally, and in the same abrupt fashion, blurts out an "I love you."

Spidey whips around to face his friend, forgetting the food. He frowns, clench his fist, forces himself to relaxes it. He doesn't feel like a coward when he scrambles up, letting the hotdog go to waste.

He doesn't.

"I'm sorry," he chokes up, twisting his wrist in a hurry to _flee_ before he can see the expression on Wilson's face.

He doesn't come home, too afraid to be followed there. Instead, he swings up to the Avengers Tower. Clint sees him crash in, removing his mask hastily with tears ready to flow down, breath ragged. He asks if everything's okay. Peter doesn't answer, just winces in frustration and runs to the gym.

Hitting things and panting doesn't help much; he doesn't feel better, in truth, until Natasha comes down and they spar mercilessly. Most of the team is down by then, attracted by the tales of not-okay-Peter and the two spiders fighting with enough ferocity to kill each other were they not so in control of themselves.

"Thanks," Peter huffs when they part, exhausted but finally without enough tension to wire him up to the ceiling.

The Widow shakes her head. "What's eating at you?"

He thinks about Wade, about becoming friends with someone witty and smart and super-interesting.

"Fuck amatonormativity," he spits, wiping at the sweat on his chin.

Natasha makes some noise of agreement.

She doesn't leave his side of the evening. When the others wonder at that, as they're all crammed up before a movie, she smirks and pats Peter's thigh.

"What do you know, I'm the robot, he's the slut. We have to stick together."

They all (almost) look thoroughly confused, but Natasha doesn't offer any further explanation, while Peter doesn't feel like it, so they'll have to suck it up.

Not five minutes later, Clint comes back from the kitchen with an M&M's pouch that he throws in Peter's lap with a cheery: "You'll be okay, kid."

...

He's okay, mostly.

Spider-Man avoids Deadpool for a while. After some time, Wade disappears. When he gets the courage to ask after him, Steve says SHIELD sent him on a mission.

Peter doesn't know what part of that surprises him the most.

Tony makes a crack about 'his boyfriend'. Natasha turns on him, snarling "don't you dare!", but it's not his fault, not really, not when his teammates don't know.

It still burns and he withdraws, leaving the Tower swiftly.

...

He thinks about MJ and his nose wrinkles up when his mouth twists in pain.

He thinks about Gwen, which is better in no way.

He thinks about children, having a family of your own, little feet scuttling around in a house. Thinks about never getting this.

...

He goes to Gwen's gravestone, often. Stands in front of it for long moments or sits against the headstone for hours.

He grieves her, a lot; their love for each other, even more. He thought for so long he just hadn't gotten over her yet, he needed a while to understand he had merely changed since she took her last breath.

He grieves the family he'll never have, not because Gwen deserves it, only as she's now the place he goes to when he needs to mourn.

...

 _"Face it, tiger, you just don't love me. And what the point then? I can't be in a relationship with someone who's just with me for my looks and doesn't even like me. Don't you even try to excuse yourself, I don't want your excuses! I thought you better than that, but you're not, so_ I'm _dumping you_."

...

Wade comes back. Spider-Man accidentally stumbles upon Deadpool retiring from SHIELD headquarters.

"Hey, babe," the merc salutes faux-casually in passing.

Peter swallows acid.

...

"I thought we were friends!" he howls after Deadpool in his dreams.

"But we are, baby boy," dream-Wade has the gall to appear surprised, to make big innocent eyes at him.

"Then why did you trap me like this?"

...

The Avengers comment on his friendship with Wade, questioning with approval why he doesn't hang out as frequently with Deadpool anymore.

"I thought you were all buddy-buddy."

"So did I," he retorts.

It leaves an awful taste in his throat.

...

"You're the only freak to see love as a trap, Pete," dream-Wade snickers.

Peter wakes up in a jolt, the image of that malicious face burnt in his mind along with the knowledge that it's true.

...

Going on with his routine is both incredibly tough and super-duper easy.

He lives under the threat of crossing paths with Wade, in fear of an unavoidable disaster.

But he's used to it, so it goes pretty smoothly.

(And if it feels like nothing is right, he's always got Natasha, just as heartless as him.)

...

Tony sasses Steve about being motherly with his teammates, quips that both of them have the moral obligation to 'background check' Peter's dates with his best interests at heart – as the youngest of their merry group.

"You won't need to," Peter interrupts, tone flat, not lifting his eyes from the left web-shooter he's repairing. "I'm aromantic. I don't feel romantic attraction."

Silence is awkward.

Natasha throws him a glance and decides to do him a favor, enlightening them on aromantic asexuals and aromantic allosexuals.

"Hence the slut," he completes, lips pursed in slight disgust. "I want to sleep with people, but never date them."

...

"Love is love," Captain America replies awkwardly when a reporter interrogates him on his impressions on queer people. He knows it's partly because it's still a terrible slur for Steve (and that he has difficulties talking in public about this sort of private things). "We're different, but we all feel the same love."

Spider-Man is at the back, almost the furthest away from attention, out of all the Avengers. He knows he's not supposed to intervene. He can't help himself.

"No, we don't," he counters sharply. "And the A of 'LGTBQIA+' doesn't stand for 'Ally' either. It's damn time to stop erasing everyone save for homosexuals from the community."

...

The video footage of Spider-Man speaking up in favor of all the forgotten goes viral.

He accidentally becomes an internet symbol, adulated by some, loathed by others, while a group of people thank him for his action while underlining he's still a problematic personality, especially when he implies that people are inherently different according to their sexual orientation.

Peter's not quite sure if he wants to laughs it off or to shed some tears at, once more, the casual aromantic erasure.

He settles for a fit of hysteric giggles. And makes hot chocolate – it doesn't help, but everything's better with hot chocolate.

...

"You can have a family, your family, even without me, or anyone, you know," Gwen reminds him gently as he sleeps.

He knows, but it feels good to hear it all the same.

...

Of course, since he made such a mess (accidentally) with his last public declaration, medias are suddenly twenty times more interested in him, always trying to get the next best sentence. He's soon flooded with questions, provocations, anything to make him react – he even gets asked if his "we don't all love the same" is a mark of latent homophobia.

"Yes, there're a lot of problems inside the LGTBQIA+ community," he exposes impatiently at the smartest interrogation of all. "Bisexuals are rejected, pansexuals are crossed off as a fantasy, transgender and intersex people are for some reason still facing awful discrimination... And asexuals or aromantics are considered aberrations, when they're not downright denied existence."

The reporter chuckles that she's never heard some of the terms he's used.

"Well, educate yourself," he stares at her. "That's your job, not mine. You'll find that we're there, even if you're conveniently ignoring it."

...

Peter's not even surprised anymore when this "we" creates another outcry.

He can see in the Avengers' eyes that they're waiting for him to stop making so much noise over a petty thing. They don't say anything, though, mostly because Steve clearly is eaten out by the guilt of having Royally Fucked Up (trademarked).

Plus, it's not like he's actively trying to focus the media on him: as always, trouble shows up unwanted.

...

The disaster happens, though not how Peter imagined it.

One day, Thor comes down to the gym to warn him that Deadpool waits for him in the penthouse. He doesn't want to, yet he owes him at least a rejection – the silent treatment can't really continue any longer – so he goes.

They sit on the Tower's edge. Wade, for once, shuts his trap when seeing him all somber.

"I'm not responsible for your feelings," Peter starts off, voice hard. "I acknowledge them, but you can't hold me responsible for not returning them."

Wade swings his legs, shrugs. "Sure."

"I'm not particularly thankful, either."

Another shrug. "Okay."

"I mean, it does feel like you're trying to force me into expressing romantic feelings for you," Peter admits.

"What? No!" Wade scowls full force. "I just do love you, and you know I got no mind-to-mouth filter. Which, neither do you, by the way, brilliant speech, very inspiring, that had me do some research, bad spider, I don't even remember why, but I was curious about asexuals and aromantics, 'cause let me tell you I never heard about these people and I thought I was well-informed so that was definitely unacceptable. And I never thought it could be possible to not be attracted sexually to anyone or not love anyone, and can you imagine I never figured out that sexual and romantic attraction were totally different things, but I guess it's only logical if pan people can love or lust after anyone that some other people wouldn't love or lust after anyone."

Peter doesn't cut him off, he listens to him ramble on until Wade stops long enough to breathe, and puts the pause to profit by morphing the monologue into a conversation.

"Good, because that's what I am."

The hairless eyebrow crooks up visibly even under the spandex.

"Aromantic, I mean," Peter develops, and sighs. "I don't love you, Wade, nor I am sorry for it. Well, I'm a little sorry for you not to be able to have me return your feelings, but I'm sure as heck not sorry for being me."

Wade offers him a self-deprecating smile. "C'mon, sweetums. I can hardly imagine a world where I would hold a grudge against you for not loving me."

"You'd better not hold a grudge because I don't love you _romantically_ ," Peter wrinkles his nose. "Which doesn't mean, by the way, that I can't love you platonically. You're kind of my best friend, you doofus."

There's this spark in Wade's eye and he knows he's going to hear something in the lines of how desperate he must be to have Deadpool of all people as a best friend, so he adds in quickly, after a sharp inspiration:

"I could be in a romantic relationship, I guess, holding hands and all is pretty cool, but you have to understand that I'll never feel romantic love for you. Platonic, yes, romantic, no. My last break-up was because of that and it wasn't pleasant."

Wade gives him a disbelieving glare. "You'd do that? Really?"

Peter rolls his eyes. Yes, it might be being an asshole. Hey, he never denied being one.

"There're lots of different kinds of attraction. I'm not attracted to you romantically, but platonic, aesthetic, sensual and sexual attraction are another matter."

He realizes what he's just said when Wade grins slyly. "Another matter, really?"

The worst things, perhaps, as he replies a quivering "Yes," is just how aware he is of the fascinating color that his cheeks take.

That, or Clint shouting from the penthouse: "Get a room away from the Tower's roof!"

...

"You're sure about this?"

His Adam apple bounces as Wade gulps down. Though Peter would like to say he's being patient and understanding, he kind of has his hands down his friend's pants and if Wade doesn't take his mask off right now he's probably going to screech in frustration.

"Goddammit, Wade," he grunts instead.

"Right, right. It's just that it's not a random chick, or a random guy, you know I'm not picky and by not picky I mean most people are way out my league, not that I'm even in a league. But anyway I'm just nervous and have you ever seen that, me nervous, but as I said it's not anyone, it's you, and I... You're sure?"

Peter has to fight the instinct to roll his eyes hard. He's being sympathetic, not insensitive to alloromantic bullshit. Alloromantic struggles. He meant struggles.

"I'm not doing this because I have romantic feelings, so yes, I'm sure I want sexual intercourse with you."

He won't admit it, but he's a little proud of having succeeded in saying this keeping a straight face, without stuttering. Besides, Wade's face was worth the embarrassment.

"Though I'm beginning to think you're never going to find out, unless you take the opportunity to fuck me."

"Actually," Wade clears his throat, and what the heck, he's one hundred percent fidgeting. "I'd prefer it the other way around, if... If that's okay with you?"

Speechless. Peter is speechless at the sheer overwhelming arousal that the sentence gifts him with in a full-body shudder.

"Does that silence mean no?"

Wade looks mortified, and he has to rectify that.

"That silence meant _fuck yes_."

...

They do things wrong, so they sleep together first and slip into a routine of it before discussing boundaries.

It's not important, though, because they both make mistakes for which the other doesn't blame them, and slowly they get more comfortable, until finally they don't have to even think about things between them anymore.

They argue violently when Wade speaks of being exclusive as if Peter doesn't see it as natural, as if 'no romantic ties' means 'inability to understand how most relationships work'.

They fight even more savagely once that Peter takes a picture of Wade without asking for it first, despite how uncomfortable around himself the merc is.

They work it out. Sort of.

Peter's not going to deny that he's got lots of issues. He does. Wade, however, Wade is something else entirely. But, well, that's okay. Wade deals with his and he deals with Wade's problems.

...

"Cap really is sorry for the slip up," Natasha mentions as they're training together.

Peter isn't sure what he wants to reply: _Good_ or _I don't care_ or _that's fine_.

"What's done is done," he finally settles in a shrug. "I worry more about it happening again."

Nat keeps her eyes fixed on his when she assures, "It won't."

...

On one of Wade's worst days, Peter spends half an hour coaxing him to open the bathroom's door and another to soothe him down. _I'm sorry_ , his friend sobs uncontrollably in the middle of pained whines. He hums a lullaby of it-is-okay, until Wade calms down a bit.

"I'm sorry for being such a freak," he splutters still.

Peter hugs him tighter.

"You're not. I swear, you're not. You call for help, and monsters don't, because nothing can be a support to them."

"I'm sorry I'm not a better person," the merc insists.

It's by all means a slap, even though Wade never intended it as such. Peter bites his lip and stand back a little to face him.

"Geez, Wade," he exhales painfully. "That's not what I meant. You don't need to be a better person. You're fine as you are. I like you as you are."

Wade's mouth parts to release a whimper. "I wasn't always like this."

That's when Peter sits down plainly on the floor, still holding him, and takes his hand to squeeze it.

"I think you need to let this you from before go," he tries kindly. "Even if you manage to get rid of everything you want to, the years and memories changed you. You'll never be the same person ever again. And that's okay. You just need to be someone you're okay with."

...

Soon enough, he hears horrible things. He's not that taken aback, of course, but he hoped–

He's unsure what exactly he hoped for. People to just get over it, maybe. Or for it not to be such a big deal. Or media to stay decent.

What a joke.

(It's like Jonah and the Daily Bugle taught him nothing.)

It's in their behavior, the way they look at him, talk to him, avoid his gaze. It's in their hushed voices, the hesitation to come to him. The vicious abuse. The slurs.

And well, Peter's used to arophobia and erasure by now – not that it doesn't hurt, he merely bears it stoically.

He wasn't prepared to be targeted by homophobia.

...

The next time he gives a sort of interview, it's for an internet-famous blogger, in hope that they will have more interesting questions, that they won't twist his words.

"I kinda like the sudden assumption that I'm gay, though," he teases after answering about the reactions on his _impromptu_ coming-out. "It does wonders to prove my point about erasure and assuming that everyone who isn't straight is homosexual."

"I take it you're not?"

Spider-Man takes his time before talking again.

"I would prefer not labeling myself publicly more than as queer. You know, after I slipped up, one thing I didn't expect – though I should have, come to think of it – was the sheer number of positive things and appreciation that I've been able to read up on the Internet. And I don't want to take that symbol away from the queer kids."

There's the crack of a smile on the blogger's face when they take off on the topic of how the Avengers treat him.

...

The video's success goes seriously overboard, even being shown on different T.V. channels. Peter doesn't have the nerve to say oops to his teammates when Tony rolls his eyes at the new stunt; it's exactly what he suspected would happen.

Needless to say, his first words since the more or less accidental coming-out don't do much for the bullying or the insults.

...

The Avengers get used to obnoxious jokes, loud babbling, explosions of laughter and howling spiders. That's not to say they really approve of the new, slightly changed dynamic between the two men. They just learn to accept it, since neither of them will take rebuffs.

Not that Deadpool behaved much differently before. No, yet it's even worse now that Spidey laughs openly at most of what he says, answers affectionately to the surnames and smiles wickedly at the lecherous remarks.

Hawkeye mumbles often how much he wishes to strangle them both, though it's a shameless lie: he rather likes Wade, and if this insufferable, overly public situation is the price of a saner, stabler Deadpool who stops his hand before slaughtering with no difficulty, Clint will pay it without regrets. Peter knows it, abuses it, perhaps.

It doesn't matter in the end. It makes Wade happier, it makes him happier and for that Peter allows himself to be selfish. It's worth it: the relief of having a relationship that isn't doomed from the beginning, the comfort he feels in Wade's company, the look on Wade's face the first time he shares a comment of his 'yellow box' and Peter doesn't brush him off or rebuke him but answers with an equally snarky observation.

So Peter does the selfish thing.

...

Spider-Man is cackling at something Deadpool said when the slur comes out of one cop. It leaves Spidey speechless, because, not that he's much concerned with it, but it shows spite for an assumed situation. If they think Deadpool and him fuck, very well, they do, but most probably they see them in a romantic relationship and that's not–

Being used to it doesn't mean Peter is immune to everything they say.

"Hey, how does it feel to be a homophobic piece of shit?" Wade blurts out loudly, cutting out his shock, for which he's incredibly grateful. "Man, if you can't even appreciate that precious ass, I'm sorry for you."

It burns, burns – both the erasure and the random hate directed at him for his mere existence – yet there's Wade by his side so maybe it will be okay.

...

"Parker, your not-boyfriend is in the penthouse stealing our food. Please take him back," Tony yells.

Peter ceases to breath for a second, until he realizes what exactly has been said–

Blinks and grins.

...

 _i understand why spidey doesn't want to label himself_ , he reads on the internet, _but i still would like to know if i can consider him representation of aro/ace people (as he sorta implied he's one of us) or not_

Peter falls asleep with the memory of struggling to identify himself caused by lack of visibility of aromantism, the knowledge no-one famous openly admitted to be aromantic.

He makes himself a Brazilian bracelet to wear next time he goes out with the suit.

The loads of what are you talking about it's just a bracelet aren't worth much compared to the excited _he's wearing the aro colors!_ or the proud _Spider-Man, first aromantic superhero_

It's not much, it's certainly unlikely to be noticed or correctly interpreted by a majority of people, but if it makes his people happier... There's that.

...

They're curled up on the bed in the middle of the day – it's Sunday, no Avenger alert. Peter traces along a scar. He can think of three things: peacefulness, comfort and affection.

"I love you."

Wade hums happily. "Yeah?"

He makes a noise of confirmation from the back of his throat, closes his eyelids shut.

"Even if it's platonic, I just care about you so much."

Wade smiles with a sort of calm tenderness he'd never have hoped to see on this face, before. He ruffles Peter's hair swiftly enough that he doesn't have the time to defend himself.

"I do too, baby boy, even if it's somewhat undermined by romantic feelings. Plus, platonic or not, it's enough for me. Love is enough."

And it is.

.

* * *

 _[Script L.2184-26 – Spider-Man, Hannah Devis]  
HD: There's been rumors of infamous mercenary Deadpool and you being in a relationship?  
SM: I'm not in any romantic relationship with Deadpool.  
HD: You appear to be very intimate, though.  
SM (laughs): We're very close. The two biggest running mouths in the super community, you may say, so we have a lot in common.  
HD: It's a curious choice for a hero to be willing to be associated with someone as murderous as Deadpool.  
SM: People tend to forget there's a man with a civilian life under my mask, and yes, this life include Deadpool. This is the concern of no-one except us, but we're not a couple and will never be, though he's very dear to me.  
HD: Forgive me if I'm intrusive, but this sounds very much like you have some feelings for him.  
SM: Love comes in all sorts, not just romantic. I hope you have some love for your parents and siblings! Yes, we cross the line of casual friends. Our friendship is very valuable to me, but friendship is all that will ever be. Probably._

* * *

A few important things:  
\- People can become aromantic after trauma or a bad relationship, but it's in no way a condition of aromantism. And aromantism isn't a condition. We don't need help, thank you very much.  
\- Some aromantics want or like to be in a romantic relationship, or use standard labels for their relationships (thank you, Ro, for reminding me of mentioning it). Peter just doesn't.  
\- Some aromantics are romance-repulsed, some others, as your humble servant, love to read and write about it. Some find romance-inducing behavior a loss of time or just ridiculous/pointless, while others enjoy doing stuff usually tagged as romantic.  
\- Not all aromantics and aces feel like they're a part of the MOGAI community, mostly because the rest of the community rarely treats us better than straight people do. Peter does.

All aromantics are valid and great!

Also, I'll punch whoever dares coming to me to say the A can also mean ally. No. It stands for asexual, aromantic and agender. End of it.


End file.
